Expectations

How is it that you're so close and I feel like you're so far away
All I've every wanted was your approval
To be told that what I've done is something that makes you proud
But you tell other people how proud you are of me more often than I you tell me
And I hear that some random stranger is proud of me more than I hear it from you
Everything I do is so that you will notice me
So that some reaction can come out of you
But obviously I've been taking the wrong approach because making deans list and accomplishing greatness doesn't get your attention
Maybe I need to become a juvenile delinquent so you to notice me
Because holding three jobs and still accomplishing a high GPA isn't doing the trick
I don't even know why what you say matters anymore
It hurts the inner parts of my own thoughts
Hoping that with another accomplishment your approval will come
Only to get disappointed once again
You're suppose to be there for me no matter what, not just financially but emotionally too
But you're not keeping up your end of the deal
The promise you made when you brought me into this world
And I'm the one whose suffering because of it
You think monetary sacrifices are all you have to give
But all I've ever wanted was your time
All I ever wanted was to know that you cared
All I ever wanted was to know that you were there
Not just as a voice that I heard through my mother but as someone I felt close to
I envy those who can call themselves daddy's girls
It's the one title I wish I had
But this distanced relationship can't possibly produce such familiar terms
I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy when u u pay more attention to her than you do me
But I can't help but think that eventually she'll be going through the same thing
You say I'm selfish
But is it selfish to want your own father's love?
Especially when he's giving it to everyone else around you
Is it selfish to want the one thing you are entitled to as a daughter?
Cuz if nothing else I should be able to say that I have a caring father
A father who is proud of everything I've done
But I can't
Because you're so close and yet so far away
So I'll countinue to find comfort in my own tears
And accept the love that flows from paper and pen
Let the disappointment sink in
And release all expectations into the wind

Deep Sea Fishing

Every Thursday, I will post a poem I previously wrote in honor of #TBT.
This one was written on 6/15/11.


He went into the deep end and they jumped in to save him
They forgot that we were still standing on the shore
We got hit with the backlash, everything that came last
'Cause their only objective was to reel him back in
So I built a sandcastle and locked the door
Threw away the key and shut down my heart.
There was no one who cared anymore
So why waste the energy to operate that mass of muscle
Even in the summer sun, there were icicles forming, encasing my heart
And they wonder why my voice dripped with disgust when I was forced to talk to them
They chose him over me because he was the bad one
But see, I'm here to tell you that independent doesn't mean 'needs no love'
That castle couldn't block them out enough
So I buried myself in the sand like an ostrich hoping to camouflage with my surroundings
But that wasn't necessary 'cause they could no longer see me
Blinded by his misdirection
I was left out in the cold once again
Trying to protect myself from this sea wind
But I could only wrap my arms so far around myself
I needed that nurturing love
But he went of the deep end and they jumped in to save him....

Diagnosis: Loneliness

Our love is different
At least that's what we told ourselves
When one heart traveled 500 miles from the other
And we decided to stay together
Chose to remedy loneliness with late night Oovoo calls
Supplemented being together with texts throughout the day
Prescribed seeing each others face with love letters disguised as good morning messages
And when those treatments couldn't cure our longing for one another
We sat wishing that we weren't alone
Even when we were surrounded by people

We
           were
                         alone

Because the one person we wanted there
To share experiences with
And complain to
On the rough days
To hug
And to hold
On the good days
Was oh so far away
It's true what we said
That our love is different
Because we've survived this long and don't see it ending
But that doesn't cure the pain
Of having the one you love so far away

Cuz every other day there's a shooting...

They say the gun can't do the killing
So maybe its humans we need to ban
Cuz ever other day there's a shooting
Innocent lives taken by suicidal murders
Who were rejected by women
Who were neglected by mom
Who were disrespected by enemies
Who were ashamed of their identity

Their motive may have been different
But their reasoning was the same
They wanted others to feel the pain
The same pain that had been developing
The same pain that they had been harboring
The same pain that they had let drive them
The same pain that simply made them go insane

And after they've done what they set in their mind to do
They're not the ones left with the pain
And neither are the ones they killed
No, it's the mothers
And the fathers
No, it's the brothers
And the sisters
No, it's the husbands
And the wives

That's who's left with the pain
After these shooters use
Metal encased death sentences
To end lives that were never there's to take
While placing fear into hearts
Hearts of children going to school
Hearts of adults going to work
Hearts of people going shopping
Hearts of Americans going about their lives

So if guns don't do the killing
Maybe its humans we need to ban
Cuz every other day there a shooting
Replacing security and hope
With pain and fear

Wilted Flower

They say fatherless daughters look for love elsewhere

But what do you do when your father is right there but it seems as if he doesn’t care?

Do you still go looking for love in all the wrong places?

Or do you shrivel up inside?

 

Broken heart doesn’t cut it

Heart is broken is more like it

Broken into pieces by this guy I thought had honest eyes.

I knew my body was my temple but I didn’t know it was a drug too.

These boys were drawn like bees to nectar but I was never trained how to handle so I fell into this guy I thought had honest eyes.

Learned that you have to look further into the eyes, look down into the soul so you truly know.

 

Now I know why Venus fly traps fight back.

Cuz it hurts when these bees suck all your nectar, take away your sweetness leaving only the carcass.

I thought I could see bits of my Dad through those honest eyes and now I know that I did.

Cuz just like my Dad he left me hurt and crying.

Left me pounding on a brick wall yearning for what he had stolen.

 

All I wanted was my father to love me.

Truly see me.

I wanted to know that he was proud and that I wasn’t letting him down.

But that was never expressed so I looked for love elsewhere and what I found was this guy I thought had honest eyes.

 

That thief left me searching for my soul when he stole it with his lies.

If only they knew what they had done.

It was their fault what I had become

Heartbroken and hardened

Titanium built around four chambers refusing to let anyone else in

And all this happened because bits of my father were in those honest eyes that told nothing but lies.

 

 

 

 

I wrote this poem about 3 and a half years ago. While some of the things within this piece are a bit dramatized the feelings are brutally honest. I believe this poem was really the first time I allowed my poetry to tell my story instead of telling someone else's. So I included this on my blog because it was really a turning point in my artistry and this is the kind of honesty I want to be brave enough to express through this blog.

My Pen, My Friend

When I put down the pen

That's when the demons came in

They preyed on my desire for perfection

Told me I was nothing

And I didn't have the support of my best friend

To remind me of my blessings

When I put down my pen

That's when the anger bubbled to the surface

Tears stinging my eyes as I smiled to keep them in

Everything bottled up inside

Because I had let go of the one who would listen

When I put down my pen

That's when I let my creativity slip away

I thought I could go on without it

I thought I didn't need it

I thought that my pen was nothing more than something to write with

But now that I've picked it back up

I'm reminded that my pen is my friend

The kind that's always around

And doesn't judge my thoughts

Keeps all of my secrets

Takes the brunt of my pain so I don't have to bear it for myself

This poem is for my pen

I promise my friend

I'll never put you down again